5/9/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

dad joke of the day

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

 

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

25/7/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

Dad Joke of the day

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

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Dad Joke of the day

21/7/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

dad joke of they day

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?”

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”

dad joke of they day

14/7/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

dad joke

Scalpel. . .

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,’ the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Go ahead…Suture self”!

dad joke

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19/6/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

dad joke of the day

wait for it. . .

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he gets them

He goes to rent a limo, but the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it

He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers.

At prom she asks him to go get punch, he goes to the refreshment table. . .

. . .and there’s  no punchline.

dad joke of the day

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31/5/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

dad joke

Money isn’t everything

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother
who lived far away in another city.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mum.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand pound theater built in the house.”
The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mum sent out her thank you notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my shopping delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

 

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Down Under Mother’s Day

super mum

Is one day a year really enough to celebrate mother’s? I guess that depends on what you make of the day. Officially its only one day a year so make the most of it.

If you’re a parent reading this then you know how challenging the day to day life of Mum or Dad can be. All parents recognise this. Do you want to be known as the Dad who forgot Mother’s Day? No Way do I want that title.

Remember Father’s Day comes later in the year, if you want that day to be special, then you better make the most of Mother’s Day. 

With Mother’s Day gone for another year it’s time to recap this years celebrations.

mothers day

 

Presents

I once read that a party without cake is a meeting, I think a celebration without presents of some kind isn’t a celebration at all. If we are going to celebrate the amazing job mum’s do then they deserve some gratitude.

If your still stuck for present ideas (even if its a bit late), check out my earlier post Preparing for Mother’s Day. Not only will it give you a few ideas but also how you should have celebrated it, maybe next year?

mothers day

If you read my guide on mother’s day presents then what follows won’t surprise you. Here’s the rundown on how my son and I showed our gratitude.

  • Spa Voucher – Yes I went the easy way out, but at least I know it guarantees her some relaxation time down the track.
  • Pajamas – I must confess I had help with that one, my wife picked them out herself (also a safe bet if your not sure on sizes)
  • Handmade Present – This came from daycare, a small pot painted by our son, filled with a couple of chocolates.

Breakfast

It’s no secret that Mrs Down Under prepares the majority of meals in our household. With the weather getting colder over here a hot breakfast is definitely preferred over a cold one. That is one meal I can cook!

Breakfast in Bed? That’s one pastime we don’t practice.

Who wants to make a mess where you sleep.

mothers day breakfast

Pancakes are always a safe bet. Given our child is almost 2, cooking a hot breakfast isn’t something I can delegate to him, he was fascinated in the process though. Maybe next year I can pass this job onto him.

Lunch

We were lucky this year in that both my Mum and my Mother in-law came to our house for lunch, this meant we didn’t have to travel anywhere allowing my Wife more time to relax. The best part about grandparents is they love looking after grandchildren, again more time to relax.

While lunch wasn’t anything fancy (have you been reading? I’m not a great cook) it was still more then we would normally do for a Sunday Lunch, sometimes simple can be just as effective as fancy (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).

Back to Reality

As I mentioned at the start of this article Mother’s Day is only one day a year. That means Monday was back to reality, back to work, back to sharing the load as parents.

So is One Day enough? Whether it is or not is a discussion for another day. That doesn’t mean you need to only celebrate it one day a year. Take the time and plan ahead to spoil the Mother of your Kids throughout the year. Don’t forget your day will come too.

super mum

 

26/4/18 – Dad Joke of the Day

Don’t promise if you can’t deliver

Last year i replaced all the windows in my house that that expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind. Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid him for them.

So I told him just what his fast talking salesman had told me last year.

“these windows will cut your energy bill in half and pay for themselves in one year”.