The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
Reblog from Father-Hood.co.uk
As I was doing some nightly reading to catch up on what every other Parenting Blog (and more) have been up to I came across this one that I felt the need to share with everyone.
Anyone who is connected to the various social pipes knows what a meme is and appreciates and values their humor.
While non-parents may still get a laugh out of this list,
Only parents will truly understand them.
any resemblance to actual kids is purely coincidental
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
For more Dad Jokes check out Dad Jokes of the Day
or follow me on twitter @DownUnderDadbg
Don’t forget to Knock
Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
‘What on earth are you doing Mick’ says Paddy
‘Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me’ says an obviously embarrassed Mick, ‘but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor
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What’s for Dinner. . .
An elderly dad was concerned his wife of fifty years was going deaf so he went to a hearing specialist who gave him some sound advice ( no, that’s not the joke )
“Stand behind her but at some distance and ask her something…the closer you need to get before she answers will determine the severity of the hearing loss and we can rectify accordingly.”
So the husband goes home to find his wife preparing dinner and from the other side of the room he asks her a question. “What is for dinner love?”
No response so he walks a few steps closer and again asks
“What is for dinner, love?”
Still nothing so he takes a few more steps and becoming concerned, raises his voice
“What’s for dinner love?”
Still no response so he gets right up behind her and yells
“WHAT IS FOR DINNER LOVE?”
and his wife turns around and says.
“For the fourth time…curried sausages!”
wait for it. . .
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.
He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he gets them
He goes to rent a limo, but the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it
He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers.
At prom she asks him to go get punch, he goes to the refreshment table. . .
. . .and there’s no punchline.
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Dad Joke of the Day Archive
Pictures can tell a thousand words
Reblogged from All in a Dad’s Work
One for the musically inclined
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
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Never forget a name
So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it
However there is this girl named Claire Lee. She is absolutely amazing, smart, pretty, overall a 10/10. You guys are just friends because you are “dating Lorraine” but you want to be so much more.
So you and Lorraine are out at dinner and all of a sudden Lorraine proposes to you, You have no idea what to say and somehow you actually agree with it because she is that convincing.
A few months pass by and it is your wedding day. You are standing at the altar waiting for Lorraine to walk down the aisle. Then out of nowhere someone comes running in screaming “LORRAINE IS GONE! LORRAINE IS GONE!” Nobody knows where Lorraine is. Somebody says they think they saw her leave in a car a few minutes ago. Everyone is freaking out but all you can think is
“I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone”
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Money isn’t everything
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother
who lived far away in another city.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mum.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand pound theater built in the house.”
The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mum sent out her thank you notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my shopping delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”
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